2008 ---> 2009

Just a quick one.

2008 went by in a blink of an eye. I don't think I've done anything significant this year.

I'm not sure whether 2009 gonna be any different.

We'll just have to wait and see :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone.

Have a wonderful and marvelous year ahead!!!

Come Undone

Okay no more writing about death, dying our leaving the world to la la land.

At least for now.

Sucks!

If I really have the guts to do it, I would have done it. But for now let me just admit that I am a chicken shit. Yeah yeah maybe I've been thinking about the repercussion of my act and that sort of what has been holding me back. Or maybe I just can't stand the pain. Or maybe I'm just a chicken shit. Plain and simple.

Besides, I don't really give a f**k anymore if my life has been meaningless thus far or trying to find the answers to the questions that I've known the answers to but still in denial. I just don't give a shit anymore!

When I'm ready maybe I can take some pointers from The Bunny Suicides.


I've been keeping to myself a lot these past days. Just don't feel like socialising. I've succeeded in going for a week without switching on my mobiles!! But anyways, just for tonight, I'll make that exception. I've got a Christmas Eve dinner to go to.

During my solitary confinement, I read a lot. I bought books after books. My last trip to the bookstore I bought 2 books and borrowed a book from a friend. Finished 2 books in 3 days. I'm down to my last book. I actually have to ration my reading time just so that I don't finish up the book in one sitting and suffer being bookless during the weekend.

But, curse my eyes, I can't sleep last night. I ended up finishing up the book I was reading.

Damn!!!!

It's either I recycle my current books or buy some new ones for the weekend. So I went to Kino during lunch time searching for the 2 books that is on top of my must-buy list. Both are not available. Shit!!!!

It'll probably going to be a movie marathon weekend or a sleeping marathon. Maybe the latter.

ashes to ashes, dusts to dusts

If I can play a song for my funeral, this would be it,

Leave Out All The Rest (Linkin Park)

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made

I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

Idle

Sighhh.. I think I'm at it again.

A few months back, I was surfing through the blogdom and stumbled upon THIS entry. I love it. It somehow described things that has been creating havoc in my mind for awhile now.

My Very Own Eulogy

If I was gone tomorrow, would I be missed?
When I am gone and my name is on the angel's list,
I want people to go on with their lives as normal,
A simple tribute will do, nothing formal.

If I was gone tomorrow, would I be satisfied,
Would I have accomplished something before I died?
Have I made an influence in anyone I've met?
Did I change someone's life before in the ground I am set?
If one person is better because of me,
If only for a minute a smile I did see,
Then I believe that it was worth all the time I was here
And I hold in my heart all my friends close and dear.

If I was gone tomorrow, would people even care?
Would they even notice that I was not there?
I know some people would not be upset about me
Those people, at my funeral I would not see.
If no one was there, I would be sad,
But in a way, I would be glad.

I don't want anyone to be sad that I am not here,
I don't want them to be sad or even shed a tear.
I want to see them with a smile on their face,
And not to see sadness in this case,
I just want them to be happy that they knew me,
And for them to know that I am finally set free.

I will still be around anyhow,
Even though they cannot see me now.
I'll still be here to help heal hearts,
Maybe now I can stop the pain before it starts.
So do not be sad that I have gone away,
Because in your heart, I will stay.
As long as you continue to believe,
There is no real reason to grieve.
I'll still be around somewhere near,
And you can call on me, and I'll be here.

A few weeks ago, a very dear friend of mine passed away at a very young age. Till today I'm still coming to terms with her passing. I'm doing better now or at least I thought so.

Some days, it didn't really feels like she was gone. It's as if she is still around some where. I feel guilty sometimes when I was having fun, guilty for enjoying myself because for a second there, I forgot that she was gone.

Re-reading my previous entry about her today made me cry again. I remembered and actually feel the painful sad feeling that I felt that night when I heard of her passing. The sudden realisation of her gone forever knocked the wind out of my chest. I was breathless for a few seconds and then the tears started coming and would not stop no matter how hard I tried.

When I heard the news, first thing that came to my mind was, "this is NOT how I imagine things would turn out to be". It was supposed to be the other way round.

Looking at how my friends deal with it. I don't think I can do that to them again so soon.

Few days ago, I actually talked about it to a friend. When she asked me why?
I was stunned cause I don't know how to answer. Don't get me wrong, I've always know the reason why but I don't know how to explain cause I don't think she'll understand.

When I gave my answer, as I predicted, she didn't understand.

But it was good to know that I did make a difference in some people's life. That, whatever that is that I did, it was powerful enough to make an impression in their life.

But I guess it is just not powerful enough for me to stop.

I'm sorry.