"Tuk-tuk, Lady?"

I think I'll go crazy if I hear one more guy says that to me.

For the whole week, that's all I hear whenever I stepped outside the guesthouse.

Arrghhhhh...

So far my solo trip has been great and full of adventure. Even the heat rashes on my arms and chest seems to worth every bit of itchiness.. *scratch* *scratch*

The kepenatan is the like the macam mau the mampus but I love every time spent in this foreign country. Or rather countries.

And here I am now sitting in some dodgy kedai spending the last of my USD for half an hour of internet.

I wonder what happened to all my money :(

I did it!!

I've been contemplating of getting it done for years now.

Last Saturday I woke up and said to myself, "This is the day I'm gonna do it!"

And I did it.

It's very LIBERATING.

I have no regrets cause I love the end product.

When paranoia sets in...

I admit I'm paranoid.

I'm paranoid that my existence is this world is a waste of space. I wasted the oxygen that I breath in.

I constantly have to justify my existence.

I constantly have to seek approval from my friends (surprisingly never from my family).

I'm paranoid that I am insignificant in their lives.

I'm paranoid that nobody really care about me enough.

I'm paranoid that if I was kidnap nobody will notice that I'm missing.

And I'm paranoid that if I die nobody will miss me and nobody will come to my funeral (assuming that there will be a funeral)

I labeled myself as Social Loner.

And my definition of that is someone who socializes cause she needs to belong but deep down will always be a loner. Alone and lonely.

I always have this burning feeling that I need to belong. Sometimes I feel like I'm a sore thumb sticking out abnormally amongst the rest.

Now I'm second guessing my decisions.

Did I converted because I believe in the religion or is that just another step in my ultimate aspiration to belong into something?

I just want the world to acknowledge my existence, that I was alive for a reason. Doesn't have to be reasons. A reason would suffice.

Cause right now I can't think of any valid reason.

Maybe it's a good thing after all.

Cause then going away would be easy.

Nobody will notice.

The Butterfly Effect

Disclaimer: this entry got nothing to do with the title. I'm just so into The Butterfly Effect these past two days so I just thought I put it as this entry's title just cause I want to.

Okay.. I've been sitting in front of my cuzzy's lappy for the past 30 minutes and still hasn't written anything other than the disclaimer above.

HHhhhmmmm.... Orites here it goes.

I always feel a lil' bit melancholic every time I'm back in my kampung. Looking at my aunties and uncles getting older every time I'm back here. My younger cousins are now bigger. Same goes with my niece and nephews and sadly, they did not know my name cause I only go back once a year :(

I looked at my late grandma's house and suddenly transported back to the late 80s early 90s when my cousins and I were still kids and extremely naughty. When things were so much simpler. When we were still one big happy family.

My grandma's house used to be the congregation place for my family. It is the centre of all activities. It was full of colors, full of life!!!

Now, staring at the house from my aunty's. It looked so sad. It's dying. Slowly. Lifeless.

That is not the house I spent every single school holidays in. There were lots of memories in that house. Both happy and sad memories. My dad's body was brought to that house 11 years ago for burial. A few months after that my Grandma's body was lain on the same spot as my dad's in that house awaiting burial.

The last time a major activitiy was held in it other than the annual raya was my cousin's wedding back in 2004. That was 4 years ago.

Another cousin of mine is getting married this December. I hope the merry feeling and happiness will be able to restore the house to its former glory even for a few days. The house needs it to stay alive.

On a different note.

Do you believe that history will repeat itself??

Do you believe that a child will end up like his/her father?

In my case, will I end up like my father?

My late father, he wasn't a perfect person. He had his flaw. I vow to myself again and again that I will not repeat his mistake. I know how bad it was before.

Deny it all I want but somehow without me realising it, I am turning into my father. History does repeats itself. But how could that be??? I guess I am my father's daughter. From the look to the behaviour.

I think I am beyond denying the truth because the consequences of my actions are slowly showing themselves. I thought I was careful. Apparently I am not. In fact I think it is getting worse by the minute.

Sometimes at night before I go to sleep once all the lights were switched off and I am in total darkness. My mind will stray. I'll be thinking about the problem and I'll panic. So far I managed to handle it but I know before long my options will run out. What would I do when the time comes? Will I caved in into the ultimate solution or rather the escape plan that has been swimming inside my head?

Which begs the answer for my next question.

Am I ready for the ultimate solution?