2008 ---> 2009

Just a quick one.

2008 went by in a blink of an eye. I don't think I've done anything significant this year.

I'm not sure whether 2009 gonna be any different.

We'll just have to wait and see :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone.

Have a wonderful and marvelous year ahead!!!

Come Undone

Okay no more writing about death, dying our leaving the world to la la land.

At least for now.

Sucks!

If I really have the guts to do it, I would have done it. But for now let me just admit that I am a chicken shit. Yeah yeah maybe I've been thinking about the repercussion of my act and that sort of what has been holding me back. Or maybe I just can't stand the pain. Or maybe I'm just a chicken shit. Plain and simple.

Besides, I don't really give a f**k anymore if my life has been meaningless thus far or trying to find the answers to the questions that I've known the answers to but still in denial. I just don't give a shit anymore!

When I'm ready maybe I can take some pointers from The Bunny Suicides.


I've been keeping to myself a lot these past days. Just don't feel like socialising. I've succeeded in going for a week without switching on my mobiles!! But anyways, just for tonight, I'll make that exception. I've got a Christmas Eve dinner to go to.

During my solitary confinement, I read a lot. I bought books after books. My last trip to the bookstore I bought 2 books and borrowed a book from a friend. Finished 2 books in 3 days. I'm down to my last book. I actually have to ration my reading time just so that I don't finish up the book in one sitting and suffer being bookless during the weekend.

But, curse my eyes, I can't sleep last night. I ended up finishing up the book I was reading.

Damn!!!!

It's either I recycle my current books or buy some new ones for the weekend. So I went to Kino during lunch time searching for the 2 books that is on top of my must-buy list. Both are not available. Shit!!!!

It'll probably going to be a movie marathon weekend or a sleeping marathon. Maybe the latter.

ashes to ashes, dusts to dusts

If I can play a song for my funeral, this would be it,

Leave Out All The Rest (Linkin Park)

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made

I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

Idle

Sighhh.. I think I'm at it again.

A few months back, I was surfing through the blogdom and stumbled upon THIS entry. I love it. It somehow described things that has been creating havoc in my mind for awhile now.

My Very Own Eulogy

If I was gone tomorrow, would I be missed?
When I am gone and my name is on the angel's list,
I want people to go on with their lives as normal,
A simple tribute will do, nothing formal.

If I was gone tomorrow, would I be satisfied,
Would I have accomplished something before I died?
Have I made an influence in anyone I've met?
Did I change someone's life before in the ground I am set?
If one person is better because of me,
If only for a minute a smile I did see,
Then I believe that it was worth all the time I was here
And I hold in my heart all my friends close and dear.

If I was gone tomorrow, would people even care?
Would they even notice that I was not there?
I know some people would not be upset about me
Those people, at my funeral I would not see.
If no one was there, I would be sad,
But in a way, I would be glad.

I don't want anyone to be sad that I am not here,
I don't want them to be sad or even shed a tear.
I want to see them with a smile on their face,
And not to see sadness in this case,
I just want them to be happy that they knew me,
And for them to know that I am finally set free.

I will still be around anyhow,
Even though they cannot see me now.
I'll still be here to help heal hearts,
Maybe now I can stop the pain before it starts.
So do not be sad that I have gone away,
Because in your heart, I will stay.
As long as you continue to believe,
There is no real reason to grieve.
I'll still be around somewhere near,
And you can call on me, and I'll be here.

A few weeks ago, a very dear friend of mine passed away at a very young age. Till today I'm still coming to terms with her passing. I'm doing better now or at least I thought so.

Some days, it didn't really feels like she was gone. It's as if she is still around some where. I feel guilty sometimes when I was having fun, guilty for enjoying myself because for a second there, I forgot that she was gone.

Re-reading my previous entry about her today made me cry again. I remembered and actually feel the painful sad feeling that I felt that night when I heard of her passing. The sudden realisation of her gone forever knocked the wind out of my chest. I was breathless for a few seconds and then the tears started coming and would not stop no matter how hard I tried.

When I heard the news, first thing that came to my mind was, "this is NOT how I imagine things would turn out to be". It was supposed to be the other way round.

Looking at how my friends deal with it. I don't think I can do that to them again so soon.

Few days ago, I actually talked about it to a friend. When she asked me why?
I was stunned cause I don't know how to answer. Don't get me wrong, I've always know the reason why but I don't know how to explain cause I don't think she'll understand.

When I gave my answer, as I predicted, she didn't understand.

But it was good to know that I did make a difference in some people's life. That, whatever that is that I did, it was powerful enough to make an impression in their life.

But I guess it is just not powerful enough for me to stop.

I'm sorry.

Pictures.. Photos.. Gambar..

I love taking photos. I especially love taking photos of beautiful blue skies.

Sometimes I took photos of people making funny faces, silly poses :)

I have hundreds of them in my laptop. And another hundred more that I've saved into DVDs.

Most of my friends complain because they've never seen the photos that I've took. Sorry guys!!!

"Why la don't upload dalam FB??" some of them said to me.

I don't know. I don't like uploading my photos. Maybe that's just not my thing. Maybe I don't like showing my pictures for the world to see. Maybe I malas to go through the uploading process hehehe...

But to all my darling friends, you can upload them if you want to but you have to come to me la to get them :)

Our thoughts and prayers are with you

Hasnih Jamaluddin

(1982 -2008)

When I received the phone call on the night of 9th November 2008 informing me of your passing, I refused to believe it.

I called a few people for confirmation and received a few more calls.

Slowly it started to register in my brain that this is real. That you're gone. Forever.

That night I went to your house. Entering the house you used to live was hard. Entering the room you used to sleep in was even harder. I couldn't stop crying as I was folding your clothes to be brought back to Tawau the next day.

I can still remember the last dinner we had together on Wednesday. It was a really long nice chat. Reminiscing the old days. Planning for your future. Listing the things that we were going to do together. Who would have thought 4 days after that you'll be gone forever.

I didn't get a chance to say this to you while you were still alive. You were the nicest person I've ever met. One I'm comfortable to be with and truly be myself whenever I'm around you.

It seems unfair for you to be taken so suddenly when we still need your company. We miss you. I miss you.

Its true when they said life goes on. But life definitely will never be the same without you in it.

But I do know that you are in a better place now. Someday we may be reunited again.

**************************************

Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven
where the love of our lost ones pours through
and shines down upon us to let us know that are happy.

**************************************

I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death.
They continue to participate in every act, thought and decision we make.
Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories.
We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love.

**************************************

P/S : I've always thought that she was supposed to be the one mourning over me instead of the other way round.

As I lay me down to sleep

I went home last night feeling tired and dejected.

Suddenly I feel that every thing has become unbearable.

I've ran out of possible options to put an end to it.

Except... The one option that I've put aside for awhile now. The ultimate option. The point of no return.

I was weighing the idea last night as I lay on my bed.

Maybe I should just do it.

I really want to.

But the thing is, the sane part of me didn't want to.

As sucky as my life is right now, I love every single moments spent with my friends.

I don't know whether I can do it yet.

They are the reason why I'm still here.



End.


Friends.


End.


Friends.



For now, I think I'll put it on KIV again.

Where is your manners???

I hate rude people!!!

I hate them with a vengeance!!!

It's even worse when that person is your friend!!!

Arrgghhhh!!!!!

The world would be a slightly better place to live in if people can be less rude or at least pretend to have an A+ manners.

I mean, common on, no matter how busy or annoyed or pissed off your are, that's definitely not a good enough reason for you to be uncivilised to another person.

Oh mannnnnn... I am so annoyed right now I could burst!!!

I know this is just a stupid simple small thing but it matters to ME!!

So who cares, it's my blog I write whatever I want!!!

Hhhhmmmmhhhh!!!!!!

"Tuk-tuk, Lady?"

I think I'll go crazy if I hear one more guy says that to me.

For the whole week, that's all I hear whenever I stepped outside the guesthouse.

Arrghhhhh...

So far my solo trip has been great and full of adventure. Even the heat rashes on my arms and chest seems to worth every bit of itchiness.. *scratch* *scratch*

The kepenatan is the like the macam mau the mampus but I love every time spent in this foreign country. Or rather countries.

And here I am now sitting in some dodgy kedai spending the last of my USD for half an hour of internet.

I wonder what happened to all my money :(

I did it!!

I've been contemplating of getting it done for years now.

Last Saturday I woke up and said to myself, "This is the day I'm gonna do it!"

And I did it.

It's very LIBERATING.

I have no regrets cause I love the end product.

When paranoia sets in...

I admit I'm paranoid.

I'm paranoid that my existence is this world is a waste of space. I wasted the oxygen that I breath in.

I constantly have to justify my existence.

I constantly have to seek approval from my friends (surprisingly never from my family).

I'm paranoid that I am insignificant in their lives.

I'm paranoid that nobody really care about me enough.

I'm paranoid that if I was kidnap nobody will notice that I'm missing.

And I'm paranoid that if I die nobody will miss me and nobody will come to my funeral (assuming that there will be a funeral)

I labeled myself as Social Loner.

And my definition of that is someone who socializes cause she needs to belong but deep down will always be a loner. Alone and lonely.

I always have this burning feeling that I need to belong. Sometimes I feel like I'm a sore thumb sticking out abnormally amongst the rest.

Now I'm second guessing my decisions.

Did I converted because I believe in the religion or is that just another step in my ultimate aspiration to belong into something?

I just want the world to acknowledge my existence, that I was alive for a reason. Doesn't have to be reasons. A reason would suffice.

Cause right now I can't think of any valid reason.

Maybe it's a good thing after all.

Cause then going away would be easy.

Nobody will notice.

The Butterfly Effect

Disclaimer: this entry got nothing to do with the title. I'm just so into The Butterfly Effect these past two days so I just thought I put it as this entry's title just cause I want to.

Okay.. I've been sitting in front of my cuzzy's lappy for the past 30 minutes and still hasn't written anything other than the disclaimer above.

HHhhhmmmm.... Orites here it goes.

I always feel a lil' bit melancholic every time I'm back in my kampung. Looking at my aunties and uncles getting older every time I'm back here. My younger cousins are now bigger. Same goes with my niece and nephews and sadly, they did not know my name cause I only go back once a year :(

I looked at my late grandma's house and suddenly transported back to the late 80s early 90s when my cousins and I were still kids and extremely naughty. When things were so much simpler. When we were still one big happy family.

My grandma's house used to be the congregation place for my family. It is the centre of all activities. It was full of colors, full of life!!!

Now, staring at the house from my aunty's. It looked so sad. It's dying. Slowly. Lifeless.

That is not the house I spent every single school holidays in. There were lots of memories in that house. Both happy and sad memories. My dad's body was brought to that house 11 years ago for burial. A few months after that my Grandma's body was lain on the same spot as my dad's in that house awaiting burial.

The last time a major activitiy was held in it other than the annual raya was my cousin's wedding back in 2004. That was 4 years ago.

Another cousin of mine is getting married this December. I hope the merry feeling and happiness will be able to restore the house to its former glory even for a few days. The house needs it to stay alive.

On a different note.

Do you believe that history will repeat itself??

Do you believe that a child will end up like his/her father?

In my case, will I end up like my father?

My late father, he wasn't a perfect person. He had his flaw. I vow to myself again and again that I will not repeat his mistake. I know how bad it was before.

Deny it all I want but somehow without me realising it, I am turning into my father. History does repeats itself. But how could that be??? I guess I am my father's daughter. From the look to the behaviour.

I think I am beyond denying the truth because the consequences of my actions are slowly showing themselves. I thought I was careful. Apparently I am not. In fact I think it is getting worse by the minute.

Sometimes at night before I go to sleep once all the lights were switched off and I am in total darkness. My mind will stray. I'll be thinking about the problem and I'll panic. So far I managed to handle it but I know before long my options will run out. What would I do when the time comes? Will I caved in into the ultimate solution or rather the escape plan that has been swimming inside my head?

Which begs the answer for my next question.

Am I ready for the ultimate solution?

Forgive & Forget

I'm back in my kampung for Raya. Been here since yesterday.

On Friday as I was saying goodbye and wishing my colleagues Raya wishes, I had this strange sad feeling about leaving KL. I'm only going to be away for a week but somehow I feel as if I'm not going to see them again. It was an indescribable feeling of intense sadness.

I wasn't really looking forward for Raya anyway. I was even contemplating of canceling my flight and stay in KL. But then, my tickets has been booked. Nonetheless, I am still looking forward for the whole week of doing nothing but read books all day long :)

These days I'm in an emotional yoyo. I'm not quite sure what I really wanted. On my way back home on Friday, I called up a friend. I needed somebody to talk to but the thing is I don't know how to. There's just too much that I want to say but I can't or maybe I don't know where to start.

Told my friend, "think I need a shrink."

She said, " maybe you do. You have so many things bottled up inside of you, you're gonna burst one of these days. You need to let it out."

Maybe.

I've had some bad thoughts lurking inside my brain, a coward way out, which so far I managed to put aside. Or maybe cause as of now I am still sane enough to know how the bad thoughts going to end.

Maybe I'm just paranoid. I think I am paranoid.

Oh Keretaku!!!

Went for my regular car service yesterday.

My car has been so lembab these past weeks. Lambat pick up and makan minyak like nobody's business. Ergh!!! Usually RM20 fuel can last me about 4 days to and fro office. These days it can only last a day or 2. Double errghhhhh!!!!

So anyways, after work I went to my usual service centre. They suspected that my clutch is the culprit and needed to be change since it's been 4 years already anyway.

So okay la, told them to do their thing.

- Change oil filter
- Change engine oil
- Change gear oil
- Change air filter
- Change clutch and the whole thing that goes with it (plate, cover, bearing etc etc)
- Carbon clean service with Wynn's Power Tune
- Change spark plug
- Add oil treatment
- Add Wynn's Injector Cleaner
- Trade in old compressor with a new HKS compressor
- Add HKS Fuel magnetic power
- Add Spring Bumper Retainer front tyres
- Add Spring Bumper Retainer rear tyres
- Labour charge

The final bill? Gulp!!!

RM1,352!!! GASP!!!! *die*

Untitled

I have a friend, whenever she's here for outstation she won't venture outside of the hotel she's staying if she's alone.

If she's hungry, she'll order room service.
If she's bored, she subcribe to the hotel's internet service. (Sanggup walaupun mahal!!!)

Every morning, she'll make sure the hotel will get her a cab to commute to and fro her office.

I asked her,

"Why la don't go out alone onieeee??"

She replied.

"Don't want la. Macam bodoh jalan-jalan alone. Besides I don't know what to do if I'm alone"

Hhhmmm... Got a like that??

I've never had any problem walking around alone. In fact I prefer being alone. Of course they're times I feel the need to be around people and hang out with my friends.

I love spending "me" time in the bookstore. Alone. I can do it the whole day but these days I rarely had that opprtunity anymore.

I love doing my shopping alone. I'm not really the kind of person who needs to get other people's opinion on the stuff that I'll be purchasing. If I like it and reasonable enough, beli ja la.

Other things that I've done.

Watch movie alone - DONE!
Eat at kedai makan alone - DONE! (like almost every weekend punnnn...)
Go holidaying alone - DONE! (Planning for my second solo trip)
Move out and stay on my own - IN THE PROCESS

Ok enough about that.

I read somewhere that Malaysian are a bunch of busy bodies.

They like to ask personal questions eventhough on the first meeting. Especially the makciks! I find it annoying!!


"How old are you?"
"Really aaa.. You look so old hoh!"



"Where you work?"
"Waaaaa... Mesti banyak duit kan? How much you get paid every month?"


"Kahwin already?"
"Nochet kawin aaa? Why want to wait long-long, later no body want you anymore tau!"


Kedebushhhh!!!! If I want any advise I'll ask for one okay.


I swear if ada orang tanya again whether I'm married or not, this will be my standard answer from now on,

"Yes, I'm married. I have a husband AND a wife. Currently I have 5 kids and counting plus a bunch of farm animals."

Expectations

I was online with my friend the other day chatting about stuff. It was Sunday and both of us didn't have anything much to do.

We were talking about this dude and tengah dalam activity memventing out frustration tu she wrote something that got me thinking and kepala terangguk-angguk setuju.

She wrote that sometimes not everyone wants to be friends with you the way you want to be friends with them. I find it so true. Sometimes you have high expectation on how things are supposed to be progressing but the other person may not share the same enthusiasm. In the end baru la terasa sebenarnya kita ni syok sendiri.

I told a few friends that if a relationship or friendship is so hard to maintain then maybe it is not worth it and maybe you just have to let go. I mean, why the heck you want to be in that situation when almost always you'll end up sakit hati. Makan nasi lagi best dari makan hati berulam jantung.

Today, I got mad at a person. The thing is I am still thinking whether whatever that person did is 'marah'able and justified enough for me to be so angry at orang tu. Maybe cos its the frustrations that has been accumulated over a period of time and jadi ticking bomb. It doesn't take much issit to activate a live bomb?

Truthfully, I am so dissappointed at that person. One after another disappointments and finally I can't take it anymore. I think highly and expected so much more from him/her but I guess I have to admit defeat that orang tu is not what I expected he/she to be. Issit because I've been setting a high expectation on the person?

What a shame cos we have so many things in common. Then again sharing the same interest doesn't really mean things will work out. Whatever la.

Moving on to another topic.

How would you react when your boyfriend turns out to be gay?? Ouch!!!
Tercabar kewanitaan?

That's exactly what happened to a friend of mine. But I guess in her case the damage wasn't really bad cos deep down she sort of knew that he is playing on the other side's team.

This is the kind of things that you thought only happening in the movies. Well, hello real world!!!

It's good though that she decided to remain as friends with him. Besides, almost every girl wants a gay friend. Someone you can talk to about almost everything under the sun :)

There are still lots more stuff I want to write about but my brain is not fully functional right now so I'll leave those stories for another day.

Some days all I want to be is a missing person

Give

For the past 4 years I've took part in my company's charity program held sempena bulan puasa.

Basically you get to play santa for the kids by fulfilling their wish list. These kids were chosen from a few organisation that housed orphans or less privilege children.

I've asked some of my friends why they didn't participate in such program and received a few mixed reactions.

One of them said, he doesn't want to participate in an over commercialised event cos it'll dilute the real intention.

Another one of them said, she got turned off by the items in the kids' wish list. Nike shoes, bicycles etc etc. She said it was too expensive and if she wants to sedekah she'll just give money to the organisation.

Well, although I didn't agree with their views but I guess everybody are entitle to their own opinion.

Honestly for me, fulfilling a kid's wishes gave me satisfaction that I can't even described with words. Watching their animated and full of anticipation faces when it comes to unwrapping their presents was priceless. Some of these kids has never had such luxuries in life and having that opportunity to make it happen was the best feeling one can ever experience.

Somehow I can relate to these kids. I know how it feels like not having a new baju for raya or longing for a new shoes etc etc albeit in quite a different environment.

I guess for me it doesn't matter if it is over commercialised or that they're wishing for a pricey items. All that matter is I believe I am able to make a difference in these children's life.

They have a nice baju raya to wear for Hari Raya together with a new shoe and they can finally ride that bicycle they've been longing for.

Me, Myself & I

I asked my friends 3 simple question about myself to see whether they know me enough.

1. What's my favourite cookie?
2. Which vegetable I hate the most?
3. What's my favourite drink?

Do you know the answers?

My Kucings

My kucingssss...

I am their slave, a wiling one at that.

I looooove my cats so much I can't imagine living without them.. Heh..

They've been my very close companion ever since I started living in this hell hole called Wilayah Persekutuan Kuala Lumpur.

In exchange for them waiting for my return everyday outside of my house gate and greeting me as soon as I open the car door, I am willing to:


1. Spend RM200/month on their food, cat litter etc etc..

2. Relinquish 3/4 claim of my queen size bed so they can sleep vertically instead of horizontally

3. Spend ringgits on roller to get rid of the furs sticking on my clothes

4. Pretend everything is good when they suddenly sit on the book/newspaper that I'm currently reading

5. Spend hundreds on their boarding cost every time I have to be away and nobody is around to take care of them

Things we do for our beloved pets. But I love them to bits. Meow!!!

By the way, if you want to witness the barbaric action of the uncivilised KL people being extremely uncivilised, try taking the LRT at 7.30am at Wangsa Maju station.

Not a very pretty sight. Only the strong will prevail!!!

September

September.....

10 and 11 years ago, September brought me heartaches.

11 years ago September was the month when everything changed for me.

September was the month I lost a place I can hold on to.

But September was also the month that I finally became an independent girl at the age of 17 in every sense of the word.

I truly believe that everything happened for a reason.

Some times you are meant to go through the hard times before you can experience the good times.

Whatever happened in September 11 years ago has made me the person that I am today.

Strong, capable and independent lady. Or at least that's what I like to think of myself.

My B-Day

Last week, 2 July was yours truly big day hehehehe...

Wasn't expecting anything from anybody except for simple birthday wishes that surely will make the birthday girl smile from one ear to the other.

Anyways, been receiving birthday wishes from friends since a day before my birthday so I was definitely in a good mood. Midnight, SMSes started pouring in so was the phone calls. A friend called me all the way from Perth. I almost cried cause terharu la kan :)

You have no idea how a simple "Happy Birthday" wish can make me feel soooo extra special. Didn't get any birthday wishes from any of my family members but I guess I kinda gotten used to it already. No surprises there.... Hhhmmmmm.. Well, sometimes I just wish... Nevermind.

My colleagues probably will never read this but I would like to announce to the world that my birthday this year was the best ever and it was the nicest thing a person or people ever did for me, EVER. I told them that I felt special like a princess hehehehe...

The fact that they've been planning the surprise for the past 2-3 weeks sungguh membuatkan saya terharu to the max!!! You peeps gave me the confirmation that I needed and that my existence in this world was felt by others and it is worthwhile.

I love you guys, you know who you are :)

Untitled

Have you ever get the feeling as if you know that person your whole life whereas you've only known each other a few months earlier???

Weird kan???

Tapi best kan?

Sharing the same hobbies, the same interest.

Getting to know each other better and discovered that you even have the same taste in musics, movies, books and food maybe.

But how long would it last ya? The excitement of meeting someone new.

Anyways, I'm not going anywhere with this. Sometimes it's just a phase of your life kan?

I would like to meet someone who is eccentric and unpretentious (cos I think KL is full of fake KLites). Male or female doesn't matter. I'm flexible.

Hey don't go biru on me. I meant for friendship la doink!!!!

One of those days...

I've been getting the "one of those days" bug quite frequent these days.
Dont know why.

Hmmm.. Is it because of work? Or is it because of the things thats been going on in my life these past months.

I think I am just soooo tired of everything. Told a friend the same thing yesterday and he said "can you be more specific?"

I don't think I can cos I myself don't have the answer.

Last weekend was fun. Was planning with a friend to get away for the weekend just so that we can sit quietly and read books. A weekend getaway so that we can spend time to read books... Hmmmm.. Sounds weird when you actually say it out loud.

But anyways, that was the intial plan but turned out to be a camwhoring weekend!!! We didn't even have time to read books!! Buat penat ja bawa 2 books. Damn!!
I was the only one with point & shoot and a Lomo while the other 2 were armed with their mighty DSLRs.

This time though we managed to venture into Jonkers Street and found the coolest kedai ever. The shop owner is a famous artist, sadly he's only famous outside of Malaysia. I think Malaysian are not ready for his art. I don't know, maybe lah kan.

This shop jual t-shirt but not just ordinary tshirt. This is what I called Tshirt With Attitude. The designs were actually from his drawings and they're really kewwwwllllll!!!

I got sooo rambang mata!!! Macam wanna buy all the tshirt tapi no money so instead I bought 3 tshirts only. Must go there again nanti!!!

P/S: Lolli's new owner changed his name to Tiger. But he's happy with his new owner already. I miss him :(

......

Make a wish and place it in your heart.
Anything you want.
Everything you want.

Do you have it?
Good.

Now believe it can come true.
You never know when the next miracle is going to come from.
The next smile.
The next wish come true.

But if you believe that it's right around the corner.
And you open you heart and mind to the possibility of it.
To the certainty of it.
You might just get the thing you wishing for.

The world is full of magic.
You just have to believe in it.
So make your wish.

Do you have it?
Good.

Now believe in it.
With all your heart.

Updates! Updates!!!

Good news!!!

Chelo is BACK!!!!! Few weeks back, somebody from my neighbourhood called. They've been jaga-ing Chelo for 3 weeks. They found him wandering around and decided to care for him while looking for the owner. So one fine day they found my poster and they called and returned Chelo back to me!!! Yeay!!!

THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! To Chelo's saviour!!!

Tapi Chelo still macam tu juga.. Still sombong!!! But I love him nevertheless hahahahaha...

I had BBQ Part II at my house. Good turn out. Good company. Good food. It was sooooo much fun than Part I. I think I should buat Part III soon... Hmmmm.. Maybe later lah :)

Morbid or Suicidal???

I took leave yesterday cause I have lots of things to do..
Meet agent for my car insurance renewal, send car for service.. Bla.. Bla.. Bla..

Once everything's over and done with I went home, tired and too lazy to do anything productive.
The thing I hate most about being alone at home with nothing to do (actually I have lots but as usual I procratinate) is I'll start thinking about all my problems/issues.

I know we should always look at the root cause of our problems and try to find ways to solve them. But in my case, I hate thinking about them and I'm hoping if I don't dwell on them it'll eventually go away. Yeah right!!!

Thinking about them always have a negative effect on my mood!! At times I think I can't handle them anymore. I've had it. I'm so tired with everything and I don't know how long I can keep on pretending that everything's OK.

I am soooo in need of a time away from everything. Temporarily or permanently??

I was dwelling on a question last night..

"If you've been thinking about death, does that makes you Morbid??

If you've been thinking about ceasing to live, does that makes you Suicidal??"

Then I found this in the net this morning. I think it's beautiful.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity"

Anyways peeps, I think I want to activate my anti-socialiness at least for these next few days or maybe weeks.

Was thinking of spending a time alone away from KL this weekend but a group of my friends is going for white water rafting in Perak this Saturday. So I thought why not join them right?? No rafting for me though I just want to be away from KL. The fake KLites!!

So I guess my anti-social plan will have to wait.

MISSING!!

As of today its been a week and 2 days my darling cat, Chelo is missing. Sob.. Sob..

I've put up posters, distributed flyers around the neighborhoods but to no avail. He is still missing...

I miss him!!!

Last night was terrible!! I wanted to call somebody just to talk and I couldn't find anybody in my phonebook that I can talk to. Suddenly I feel so alone. I have lots of friends and yet I feel so alone.

Don't get me wrong. My friends are great, it just that I can't open up myself to any of them. I don't think I've ever talk about anything personal with any of my friends hmmm..

I guess that's just the way I am.

Oh I don't know...

All I can think about right now is I want my cat back, safe and sound.. huhuhu..

I MISS YOU CHELO!! PLEASE COME HOME!!!

Down memory lane...

Heya peeps...

I know it's been awhile. Things has been super crazy lately and my internet got suspended.. etc.. etc.. Sucks!!

Anyways, I finally got around to cleaning up my room. Oh god, you have NO idea what rubbish I've been accumulating these past months!!! I even took the before and after photos hahaha.. Just for the fun of it but of course I'm not gonna post them here.. Embarassing wei!!!

OK so, while I was cleaning up, I found a few stuff that I brought here from KK. Stuff from the good ol' days :D

I found a stack of letters my friends sent me while I was studying in Sarawak. It was fun reading them again. I am Loved!!! :)

Then I read this 1 particular letter from a person who used to be one of my closest friend then. We are no longer friends now... Sad!! Truth is, I can't even remember the exact reason why we were fighting and "unfriend" ourselves.

Suddenly I have this strong urge to give her a call and to start all over again on a clean slate but as usual my Super Big Ego prevented me from doing so and cos I don't know where she is now and how to get hold of her.

It got me thinking, I know for sure that we'll never be the friend we used to be but I think it'll be good to part in a good way. I mean, if I die tomorrow at least I know that though we're no longer buddies but there a no more bad feelings between us.

Hhhmmmm...

"What is our deepest fear?"

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.
It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own lights shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Crappy!!

I'm in an extremely crappy mood today!!!

So not a good way to start the new year!!