Bla... Bla... Bla...

A few weeks ago, a very dear friend of mine passed away at a very young age. Till today I'm still coming to terms with her passing. I'm doing better now or at least I thought so.

Some days, it didn't really feels like she was gone. It's as if she is still around some where. I feel guilty sometimes when I was having fun, guilty for enjoying myself because for a second there, I forgot that she was gone.

Re-reading my previous entry about her today made me cry again. I remembered and actually feel the painful sad feeling that I felt that night when I heard of her passing. The sudden realisation of her gone forever knocked the wind out of my chest. I was breathless for a few seconds and then the tears started coming and would not stop no matter how hard I tried.

When I heard the news, first thing that came to my mind was, "this is NOT how I imagine things would turn out to be". It was supposed to be the other way round.

Looking at how my friends deal with it. I don't think I can do that to them again so soon.

Few days ago, I actually talked about it to a friend. When she asked me why?
I was stunned cause I don't know how to answer. Don't get me wrong, I've always know the reason why but I don't know how to explain cause I don't think she'll understand.

When I gave my answer, as I predicted, she didn't understand.

But it was good to know that I did make a difference in some people's life. That, whatever that is that I did, it was powerful enough to make an impression in their life.

But I guess it is just not powerful enough for me to stop.

I'm sorry.